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F--K You PINTEREST!!!

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 18:54:33 GMT

Soooo, a few months ago I overheard someone talking about their Pinterest addiction. Far be it from me to not investigate a new vice. What is it?!?! Is it a new drug? Is it a new sex move? What is it?? So, I googled it.

3 days later, my children were found, dirty and hungry. At one point, Jason may have placed a mirror under my nose to see if I was still breathing.

The next thing I knew, I was at Michael's with my 40% off coupon and I came home with every crafting supply ever produced. I've made a wreath, a centerpiece and a framed-scrabble-letter-family-thingy. I've made a scarf out of Jason's old t-shirts (ok, that didn't turn out so well). I've planned an entire wedding. I've thought up decor ideas. I created a 'twig' banister in my mind and now we have to move so our house can accommodate [said] banister. I'm planning a Summer party, simply because I need an excuse to make sandy/starfish centerpieces. I've decided that black paint is the answer to all my prayers and now I think I need to untie my tubes and have another baby because I have the cutest idea for birth announcements.

I thought I was a pretty cool chick before. Albeit, not exactly a crafty-girl, but certainly somewhat creative. Pinterest has taken this mom-thing to the next level. I ain't messing around anymore. Gone are the days when I can show up at someone's house with a bottle of wine and dish to pass. Oh no. Now, I gotta get my game face and on and bring it. For Superbowl, I brought chocolate rice krispie treats shaped like footballs, oh-yes-I-did. I even delicately frosted them so there was white pinstriping along the edges of the football. The gloves are off and it's show time. No more mediocre Kindergarten classroom parties. No more casual get-togethers. No more simple gifts. It's on. It's on like donkey kong.

I'm gonna be busy for a while. (on second thought...this kind of sucks) I liked it better when I was ok with being average. F. U. Pinterest.

Can ya throw me a bone?

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 17:49:36 GMT

Here's my newest gripe. Reciprocation. It's not a difficult concept. I do you a favor. You help me out once in a while. I offer to host. Maybe later down the line, you might offer to host. I drive your kids around hell's half acre. Perhaps you could transport my kids from time to time. You tell me when you're coming to my house, instead of asking if you can visit. Occasionally, it would be nice if you invited us into your home. You know....reciprocation.

While I enjoy hosting, you have to know that it's work. Especially if you have a large family. That's a lot of mouths to feed, it's a lot of shopping, cleaning, preparation, etc. I don't just invite you over and then not plan ahead. In other words, you aren't going to spend the weekend at my house and listen to me say, "uh....what do you guys want for dinner?" No. I'll probably have already shopped, prepared a menu, changed the sheets and made every possibly provision so that you're comfortable.

All I ask is that you not take that for granted and perhaps throw a bone in my direction from time to time. I'm not playing the tit for tat game, nor am I a score keeper, but for God's sake----I'd occasionally like to be a guest as well!

But, beyond hosting----there's the little things, too. Like, ok, we're all moms. We're all women, we need to help each other out. Life gets messy, it takes a village and all that. I'm the first one to offer when someone needs a hand, running an errand, schlepping kids, watching kids, etc. Honestly, that's what friends are for. But, would it kill you to maybe reciprocate a favor every now and again?

I get tired of always being asked favors by people who are no where to be found when it's my turn to need a hand. I don't like being taken advantage of and I have less and less tolerance of it, the older I get. I even see this on Facebook. "Who can pick up my kids? Our power is out...Who wants us for dinner? Does anyone have extra handcuffs??" I agree that FB is an excellent way to get fast results and I too, have been known to call in favors, but I'll admit, there are certain people, I don't enjoy helping out anymore because I know the favor will never be returned. Just because you have more kids than me, or perhaps you work outside the home, doesn't mean my time isn't as important as yours.

Even if I can't return the favor in the same fashion (example: my father in law watches my kids for me if/when I have a dr. appt, or an errand). I can't exactly watch his kids for him, but while I'm out, I'll pick up dinner for him or maybe bring him leftovers the next day or something like that. It's called appreciation. I appreciate him helping me out, so by God, let me do something to show my gratitude. A friend watches Gabe so I can go help out at Ben's school....maybe I'll bring her a latte afterward. A buddy helps your husband with some heavy lifting? Spring for a case of beer....or something! Simple, simple gestures go a long way.

I'm not even after a payback----for me, I'd be thrilled with a thank you and the assurance that I could count on you if I had to.

So, be aware of how much you're taking vs. how often you're giving.

Get off your soap box

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 18:12:15 GMT

Why is it that when someone feels they're an authority on something, they push their opinion about it onto everyone? I get a bit tired of getting hot issues pushed down my throat. I tend to have rather liberal views about things and this goes way beyond politics.

I am a pro-choicer. It's not something I generally advertise because it's a belief that is personal to me. I am a mother, and abortion is not something I could or would consider for myself. However, I absolutely believe in a person's right to choose. Now, would you guys think it would be weird if I posted, tweeted and ranted about my position on abortion? Yeah, that would probably make people feel very uncomfortable. So, why do pro-lifers feel the need to push their views onto everyone?

I am a faithful person. Again, it's not something I advertise. Not because I'm embarassed, but because I have my own relationship with God and I don't need to prove it to anyone. So, I guess I don't get why people feel the need to project their religious views onto others. To me, it's incredibly private. I do understand someone wanting to share their love for God, but I think a person should come to that realization on their own.

I nursed (along with bottle fed) both my boys for approximately 3 months. That was what worked for us. Neither kid particularly enjoyed it. I didn't enjoy it. They seemed to be happier and more sustained with a bottle, so be it. I was perfectly fine with that. I didn't feel the need to scream from a mountain top about how, "IT'S PERFECTLY OK TO BOTTLE FEED YOUR BABY. THEY'LL STILL GROW AND THRIVE!!!!" No, I pretty much kept that to myself, since its...you know, my boobs. So, why does the La Leche League and all their minions want to punish us all with endless stories of their heroic tales of nursing? No one really cares. Except maybe the patrons of Starbucks who are grossed out by a 5 year old chewing on your teat.

Despite my (occasional) bad language or my wicked sense of humor, I'm actually a pretty good mom. I have the great kids to prove it. I challenge anyone to criticize my parenting.   I'm secure enough in my role as a mother that I don't really need to state it (until now, but only for the purpose of this blog). As someone is telling me, at length, of how good a parent they think are, I'll think to myself,
"... oh yeah?  who are you trying to convince? Me or you?"

I find that in these types of situations, the person is either defensive or a bully. Or both.

Defensive because they might know deep down that their views are a bit off putting, so they immediately go into attack mode to try and defend it.

Bully because it's their only power to try and get others to get on board with their radical thinking.

How about this? How about we just let everyone have their own opinions about controversial topics. Shall we? Everyone has a right to their own opinion and that's what makes the world go around. Let's stop trying to get everyone on "team me" and just appreciate differences.   So, while you're trying to convince the world that being a vegan is the only way to go, imagine how annoying it would be if I got up on my hind legs and professed that "MEAT is the only obvious choice!" Pretty annoying, huh? See my point?

Side note: Once again, a HUGE spike in my blog traffic! Is it my angry rants or my oops-I-did-it-again blogs that you're enjoying? Either way, THANK YOU!   For more LeslieDishes oopsies, click 'like' on the Leslie Dishes facebook page. Apparently a lot of my readers bought tickets to our first comedy show. Nobody Gets Us premiers during LaughFest 2012 @ San Chez in Grand Rapids. We're almost at capacity and I'm completely floored that our first show is going to be SOLD OUT. I'm beyond grateful for the support.

XO (sniff, sniff)
LB

I'm becoming Lucille Ball

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 03:43:27 GMT

I drove too far into the garage today and hit our bbq (what? It's usually not there and I lack depth perception) and a few plastic pieces broke and fell off the grill of my car. So, I found Jason's auto mechanic spot light. Popped the hood. Shined some light on the situation. Took off all my jew-ree. Slid my arms down into the engine, essentially. Shredded my hands, knuckes and forearms on all the sharp shards of plastic. Saw the broken pieces, but couldn't reach them. Took off my new leather vest and put on a tshirt. Slid on my back under the car and fingered my way around until I found the broken shards. Super glued them back together. Then glued them back into place on the front of my car. Tragedy averted. And if Jason says anything, I'll just blame the kids. I rule.

round 2 of Celebrity WTF??

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 21:05:08 GMT

I posted the original Celebrity WTF this past summer, but so many more gems have come along since then, that have caused me to say, 'wtf?'     Here we go:

Ashton Kutcher broke up with Demi???   I. can. hardly. believe. it. Yeah, it's called aging. Demi, did you really think he was going to catch up to you and you were both going to age gracefully? Nice try. Besides, cougars are sooo 2009.

Kelly Osbourne: Find a maxillofacial surgeon and find one fast. If I had Black Sabbath's money, I'd have fixed that God awful underbite as soon as I could talk. Oh, and one more thing. Grey hair, really doesn't suit anyone under 70.

Beyonce and Jay-Z are the first people to every conceive and deliver a baby--EVER.

Tori Spelling & Dean McDermott: Tori, I love you. Dean, get your own life and stop riding on Tori's coat tails. Really----? You're suddenly into antiquing and throwing lavish parties now? Stick to your lame Lifetime movies and leave the empire up to Tori.

Ryan Dunn died??? And you say he was going over 130 MPH in his Porsche?? And YOU SAY he was drunk??? That's crazy talk. And everyone is standing around going, "I can't believe he's gone".   Really? You can't? This is the man who stuck a matchbox car up his butt for kicks.

Heather Locklear/Lindsay Lohan/Demi Moore (part 2): All hospitalized for "EXHAUSTION". If 'exhaustion' is code-ski for 'got wasted and fell down', then yes. They were totally exhausted. I got exhausted after drinking 15 jager shots on my 21st birthday. As Will.I.Am says, "she gives hot mess a new meaning".

Kardashians: I really don't want to give them any more recognition than they've already gotten for their brilliant money making schemes. But I still hate Ryan Seacrest for discovering them.

Jessica Simpson: Quit clutching your stomach. We got it. You're pregnant. You've looked like you've been pregnant for the past 4 years.

Katy Perry: After a year of marriage you realized that Russell Brand was weird? After, huh?

Jada Pinkett & Will Smith: Their kids basically make more money than them. Yeah, that'll totally work out for them. No, no...I'm sure they won't wind up on Celebrity Rehab.

Any rapper who winds up in any pop song. (Luda--Justin Beiber, Snoop--Katy Perry, etc) = Sell out.

LeeAnn Rimes--do you even have eyes?

Kyle Richards: Are you ever NOT crying?

Amber Portwood and Jenelle Evans: Both in jail. Hee hee. That's all.

The emcee from Toddlers and Tiaras: Creepiest. "Dude". Ever.

Shiloh Jolie Pitt: I think being a tom boy is among the least of your future problems.

All of George Clooney's girlfriends, present and future: You're not the one, honey. He's not going to marry you.

Kathy Lee Gifford: Are you ever not wasted?

Demi Moore (part 3): Really? ..... Whip its? Really?

That's all I've got for now. Lucky for us, I read Us Weekly and People, religiously.

Funny girl!

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 21:22:14 GMT

I'm rahhther proud of me-self. Never in a million years did I foresee myself headed into this direction, but I'll go wherever the universe takes me. In order to succeed, I will A. never give up (despite claiming, "I FUCKING QUIT" every 6 weeks). B. Knock on every single door C. pray for opportunity.

And opportunity arrived in the shape of a comedy troupe! I'll take it! I've written (and am performing in) my first ever LaughFest show. If any of you live in the area and would like to check it out, tickets are now on sale (and according to the talent agency, they're selling fast). Delicious 4 course meal at San Chez and a HILARIOUS show. I rarely think anything is funny because I'm a comedy snob and I'm telling you, this is funny shit. To date, Sarah Cavanaugh has cried (laughing) at every rehearsal and I've wet my pants at least twice.

http://laughfestgr.org/show/nobody-gets-us/

You won't be disappointed.

Another FB infraction

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:35:07 GMT

I'm adding one more to my long list of Facebook no-no's.

What about the person who consistently posts articles about poor nutrition and processed foods? This is typically the same person who thinks they're superior because they only eat organic and make it widely known that they do so. They're very sanctimonious about it. And yet....they're fat. Ha ha.

The Wild & Wonderful Whites

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 23:43:38 GMT

Based on past blogs, you might recall that I have a love for dark documentaries. My friend Jill changed my life when she suggested I watch "The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia".   (ps. Johnny Knoxville is the executive producer)

It's a documentary about the entire White clan who reside in the mountains of WV. Oh, so many things all rolled into one movie.  It's pure, white trash at the utmost level of white trashiness. It features some of my favorite things, swearing, guns and pills. Which everyone knows is the ultimate trifecta of goodness. Some other key points of the movie involve a 7 year old boy flipping off the camera, drinking 6 pepsi's in a row, then doing back flips on his twin bed. There is even a warning for fetal alcohol syndrome posted in the ladies room at their local watering hold. Oh wait...I forgot about the tap dancing. Oooohh...the tap dancing.

Hands down, my favorite scene is when they roll up to Taco Bell (after just finding out that CPS took baby Monica, but seriously, first things first, let's get a chalupa and then we'll deal with CPS). Then, they order "mozzeralla cheese sticks".....at Taco Bell. Waving to their friends in the Taco Bell window. Heyyyy.

While I'm on the subject, does anyone know what 'swaller' means? I'll use it in a sentence. Mamie cain't swaller no God damned pee-ols. (pills).

Run---don't walk....RUN to the nearest movie store to locate this movie. FYI--it's on FX and Showtime, somewhat regularly.  In the mean time, google it's main character, Jesco White. You will find pages upon pages of pure internet gold on one, Jesco White. He's a real dandy and I'm now officially stalking him. I've never wanted to meet a celebrity so much in my entire life. I'm not gonna lie----there may or may not be photoshopped pictures of Jesco White and myself sitting on his bed inside his cozy, li'l trailer.

Lastly, I'd just like to say that I reference this film at least every day---it's that profound. Just this morning I said to Jason, "I feel old". And he said, "At least you don't look like Sue Bob White". To which I replied, "...I said I feel old. I didn't say I felt like an Appalacian Yetti".   For the record, after you watch [said] film, you'll know that Sue Bob is the self-proclaimed, "sexiest one in the family". You'll appreciate that much more when you see her up close.

Enjoy and you're welcome.

I attract crazy.

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 01:46:58 GMT

I don't know why I attract 'crazy' into my life, but I do. I've come across some real nuts in my life. I absolutely swear that I avoid conflict, I'm non-combative (unless you f--- with my kid) and I do my best to steer clear of drama. How 'crazy' gets dragged into my life on such a regular basis, I have no idea.

You know how stray animals seem to find their way to animal lovers' homes? I think it's like that. I have a knack for listening and for giving really good advice. I have a very compassionate and empathic way about me and I think that's what attracts the crazies.

I used to keep the crazies in my life out of guilt and obligation. Then, I realized I was keeping some of the crazies around for pure entertainment. Now, it's gotten to where I don't want to keep them around at all because I'm too busy for the drama. Having crazies in your life is exhausting, I tell you. When you don't want to answer the phone because you know there's going to be drama on the other line, you might be a crazy magnet as well.

I had a crazy for a while who was so unstable, I later found out she was stealing from me and other people who are close to me. Yeah, I said stealing. She stole a pair of shoes right out of my house. I fantasize about the day when I see her out on the town wearing my shoes. The weird thing is, I am pretty sure we didn't wear the same size. What a train wreck she turned out to be. I was about 3 emails from getting a restraining order put upon her.

I had another crazy who was (I think) stalking me. She seemed to know waaaaayyy too much about my whereabouts as well as my family's. It was creepy and I had to shut that shit down immediately. She was always keeping tabs on me, pushing herself onto my friends in a very uncomfortable way and other awkward exchanges. Like I always do whenever I feel like someone is trying too hard with me, I ran for the hills and kept my distance!

And yet another crazy... . (big sigh) All I can say, is this particular crazy was the kind of crazy that text books are written about. We are talking Real Housewives, Danielle Staub-crazy. As in, shit-you-can't-even-make-up-crazy. Let's just say when I give examples of this crazy to my friends, they all respond with the ubiquitous, "nuh-uhhhh". Yep.

And of course, I've got my handful of "run-of- the-mill, average, narcissistic, the world revolves around me, I'm not happy unless I'm miserable kind of crazies" that I keep around just because sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. I can tolerate these kind of crazies.

When it starts to infiltrate my life and it begins to consume me on a regular basis, that's when I have to cut 'em loose. Certainly every single person in my life, definitely me included, have had their fair share of drama over the course of our relationships. Not to say that I'll drop someone like a hot potato at the first sign of trouble. Quite the contrary. I'm actually a really good friend and especially good when there's a crisis. But when I become exhausted at the mere sound of your voice because I know you're gonna bombard me with something.... I have to remove myself. Before I had a life, husband, kids... I probably would have listened to this drama for hours on end. Jason used to say to me, "My God, you have the most fucked up people in your life". I'm so protective of my time now that I can't get all that invested anymore. I have my own shit to deal with and I typically don't have hours a day to invest in your problems.

Getting back to the lecture at hand. I have no idea why I attract crazy. Crazy is as crazy does, I suppose.

The Dentist

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 01:14:03 GMT

So, I had a dental procedure and my go-home instructions were to lay low, avoid really hot foods, no smoking and no sucking*.   Lucky for me, I don't smoke and I think I can go without sucking for a while.

Jason's response to this: That's it.  I hate that fucking dentist.

*through a straw.   (but I didn't tell Jason this)

Larry, Moe & Curly...up in herrrr

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 22:01:41 GMT

On our tv in the basement, I noticed that Gabe has dvr'd 103 Three Stooges episodes. One hundred and three. Seriously?

I guess I don't have to wonder how Ben got the black eye anymore.

Why?

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:19:50 GMT

Why don't people dress their children before going grocery shopping? I counted 3 separate families whose kids were in pajamas at Meijer this week.

Why does Gabe leave his man cave in the basement (which has a bathroom) to come upstairs to pee in the kitchen bathroom? Why?

Why does Luna only cry to come inside after I go upstairs?

Why does someone tall always sit in front of me?

Why does the person behind me always kick my seat?

Why do I always get behind the slowest person?

Why do I physically feel sick whenever I am in the presence of someone coughing?

Why do I insist I can feel germs crawling on my hands after being in public?

Why do I always tell people how inexpensive something was when they compliment me on it? Why can't I just say 'thank you' and let them think it was an expensive splurge?

Why do I always lose expensive lipsticks, yet have 32 different drug store ones in every purse?

Why does Jason always come home hungry after texting me that he's not going to eat?

Why won't kids just go pee? Why do they insist on holding it? What are they going to miss?

And furthermore, why won't they just go to sleep?

Why do they call them "Real Housewives" when half of them aren't married?

Why won't people learn that you're = "you are" and your is the possessive "you"?

Why can we say douche bag on tv now, but we can't say, "God" in school?

Why does it take so long to write a Modern Family episode, when I can whip up something funny every day?

Why does everyone in my house whine when they know it'll never get them anywhere?

Why does Gabe ask for ice cream each and every morning when NEVER in the history of ever-dom have I ever given him ice cream for breakfast?

Why do I hate showering so much? What's the problem?

Why don't I ever changing my work out playlist? I mean how many times can I listen to "Imma Be" before I just lose motivation?

Why did I volunteer to be the Kindergarten room mom?

Why do I read People and US Weekly every weekend when they're clearly the exact same magazine?

Why do my kids start making their birthday lists before I've even thrown away the Christmas wrapping paper?

Why do I continue to try out my "well-you-could-change-her-name-to-Eileen"* joke when it clearly never gets the reaction that I'm hoping for?

Good God, this can go on for hours.

*The "well, you could change her name to Eileen" joke works whenever someone has a limp. Or not. Truth be told, I try my hand at that joke at least every week and it never works. I had a massage two weeks ago and the therapist told me that my hips are uneven and that he would try to even them out. I said, "wouldn't it be easier to change my name to Eileen?" and he said this: Wow. (then it was crickets). You'd think I'd learn....

Random Thoughts by Leslie Bosscher

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 18:35:12 GMT

The following are a few examples of little snip its (if you will) of random thoughts that may travel through my mind from time to time. Not enough detail to produce an entire blog, so I combined them to make them seem like one big, happy blog. See?

The pill bottles in my medicine cabinet is starting to resemble a spice carousel.

I live in the reality version of the show suburgatory.

I just discovered that disappearing at a party is called a "Irish Exit". And disappearing at an event without paying your portion of the bill is called a "French Exit". This is fascinating to me because I've always called my infamous disappearing act, "The Houdini". I am so anti-social when I'm out of my element, that I tend to disappear. If we're having a crowd gathered at my home, I'll say that I'm going to put my 'comfies' on and Jason knows that's 'code-ski' for "I'm out".   If I'm at a dinner or a bar or a party...or what have you, I'll just leave. It's not because I'm rude. It's because I don't want to involve you in any long, drawn out process of having to say good bye. Plus, it's uncomfortable when people beg me to stay.

I am a Facebook bully. I so enjoy picking on someone via FB. Usually it's for spelling or grammatical errors, other times it's for being such an overt douche bag. I'm like the FB police. A FB friend was recently bragging what a 'genious' her prodigy child is. So my response was naturally, "...and yet her own mother can't spell GENIUS---oh, the irony".   And another time a friend of a friend said on my page, "Lesie, when can we all go out?" I said, "When you stop calling me Lesie".

Mean girls grow up to be bitches and I'd love to report it gets better with age, but it doesn't. Here's my take on bitches. They're insecure, jealous and miserable---that's why they're bitches. There. Don't you feel better about that bitch you work with?

Jason opened the pantry last week and this is what I heard him say, "DORITOS???   SWEET !" As if he's not a 38 year old man who can go purchase doritos anytime he wants to.

Jason and I had an entire conversation recently about whether or not spouses could share a jail cell. We decided that if he and I were to ever be imprisoned together, our cell would be the homey, cozy one that people would want to hang out in. The prisoners on our block would be all, "We're playing hearts in B-343 tonight. They make the BEST toilet bowl fermented wine".

I H.A.T.E Christmas break. I've been claustrophobic in my own home for approximately 10 days and I'm beginning to twitch. My hands are raw from cleaning. I haven't left the kitchen in days. I am wandering from room to room to room just putting together whatever the children have destroyed. I'm white knuckling it until January 3. I'm sure I'll miss them when they're back in school. And by 'miss' I mean I'll be casually browsing magazines, waiting for my nails to dry.

Getting current

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 17:52:08 GMT

If you enjoy reading my blog, you can now click "like" on the Leslie Dishes group on Facebook! More snarky updates.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading, commenting, suggesting and 'liking' www.lesliedishes.com

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Nothing makes me happier than reading comments from my LeslieDishes readers near and far. I don't know how or why, but I got an email from a reader in Sydney, Australia!

Happy Holidays to you all. May 2012 be filled with love, health, happiness and success--wherever you may find it.

xoxo
LB

10 reasons why I'll unfriend you on Facebook.

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 22:38:55 GMT

#10 If you spend wayyyyy to much time on my FB page. If I find you commenting on my every post and/or referencing my pictures, it creeps me out. Buh Bye now.

#9 If you post every day. Well--I should say, if you post STUPID stuff every day. I don't mind the witty or whimsical anecdotes. I don't even mind the occasion snarky post. It's the hourly, "just folding laundry!" or "We all have the flu!!!" kind of posts. Annoying!!! Your kid is puking and yet you found the time to stop and post it? Buh bye now.

#8 If you use FB as a platform to vent your displaced anger. It's so obnoxious. I have this chick that I keep around just because I have to see who she's mad at every week. "Why can't people just be honest??" or the angry man "Repost if you're a REAL friend. If you don't repost, I'll KNOW you're not a REAL friend". Here's a thought. Get a psychiatrist and get off Facebook. (This is where I should say buh bye now, but truth be told, I keep this person around just so I can watch her spiral downward into a schizophrenic tizzy)

#7 If you use FB as a platform to brag about yourself. It's not the actual bragging that bugs me, it's that you insult my intelligence by thinking that I don't know exactly what you're doing. "I have the day off and I'm at the gym...aren't I crazy??" It seems harmless enough, but it was her passive aggressive way of saying, "I work out". Yeah? Great. So does everyone. We just don't feel the need to brag about it, because it's actually part of our daily repertoire. Like sleep. (unless you used to be a fat slob and now you're making an effort to get healthy. Then, I support you whole heartedly)

#6 Constantly posting photographs of what you deem "beautiful" or "breathtaking". Really, all you're doing is trying to take credit for someone else's work. You post a picture of a sunset or a mountain top and everyone is like, "Thanks for sharing. This is truly amazing". Well, shit---he didn't invent mountain tops! He simply re-posted it! Buh bye now.

#5 Constantly posting inspirational quotes. I don't mind these once in a while. Hell, I need an inspirational quote every now and again. But every day? And then to take credit for it? Buh bye now.

#4 When people feel the need to post every thought that comes into their head. Buh bye now.

#3 When people use Facebook to bitch about facebook. They talk in circles about how busy they are and how they find facebook to be a waste of time...yet, they're on .....Facebook. Buh bye now.

#2 When people bully people into buying/selling/doing shit on Facebook. Farmville, games, surveys, repost this if you really love me, etc. Buh bye now.

#1 The over usage....or should I say, any usage whatsoever of the acronym LOL. I will cut someone over the migraine inducing LOL or worse, the lololololol......Nothing bothers me more. BUH. BYE. NOW.

Just another day up at school....

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 20:43:55 GMT

So I decide to drop off teachers' gifts as well as gifts that we donated to the Giving Tree up at my kids' elementary school today. Many of you already know that I avoid that place as much as humanly possible, but today was wide open and I took advantage of my availability by showing off my good parent-ness.

Ben's teacher is a guy's guy, so what do you give to this guy's guy kinda guy? Oh. Beer. Because, I'm classy that way. I am classy....hell, I even wrapped it up and everything. So, picture me, walking through the halls OF AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL with a box of clanking beer bottles. But, it's wrapped in festive paper, so that's ok. The kids were at lunch, so I threw it under his desk and proceeded onto Gabe's Kindergarten classroom.

I am stopped at the door by a very surprised looking substitute teacher. I said, "Hi, I'm just dropping off gifts for the Giving Tree...is that ok?" Here's how the rest of that conversation went.

Sub: Oh..Oh...I...I recognize you from tv! I thought you were surprising me!
Me: YOU get a car! and YOU get a car!! (you know...the whole Oprah bit)
Sub: (dying laughing) I LOVE watching you on tv!! You must get accosted every day!
Me: Nope. Never. But thanks for making my day!
Me (to the class) BYE Kindergartners! Be good for your sub today!
Kid to Gabe: Who. Was. That?
Gabe: (sigh) Just my mom.

Deliver gifts. Check
Bring alcoholic beverages to school. Check
Mortify children. Check check.

You're welcome.

You Know You're a Mom When....

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 21:02:02 GMT

                                             You know you're a mom when.....

Showering is the only alone time you'll ever get. And even that's a joke because they will still barge right in.

You find yourself listening to 20 on 20 or Radio Disney when the kids aren't even in the car.

You're not with your kids and you see an ambulance and you immediately wonder if your kids are in that ambulance.

You finally agree to having a breakfast food for dinner, because simply, you just don't give a shit any more.

You fall asleep in your kid's bed while waiting for them to pick out their book.

You hate Dr. Seuss for writing such L-O-N-G books.

You've never gotten into a fight in your whole entire life.....until someone bad mouths your kid.

You realize that you haven't showered in two days and you're not totally grossed out by yourself.

The smell of baby puke doesn't make you want to puke.

You get choked up reading a Hallmark card.

You get choked up seeing that commercial where the baby is splashing in the sink and his mom is.....here we go.

You'll knock down any little bastard that inflicts injustice upon your child.

Yoga pants, sunglasses and a ponytail become your signature style.

You find enjoyment in pitting your kids against one another. It teaches them problem solving techniques (plus, if you secretly side with both of them, they'll think they're your favorite. Win win!)

You find yourself allowing the most God-awful ornaments on your once gorgously decorated Christmas tree.   This is a battle that I've been fighting since my oldest was in Preschool. How fucking hard is it for the teachers to come up with silver or gold ornament crafts, instead of gaudy reds, greens and blues??

You decide that a spoonful of peanut butter is a perfectly acceptable snack.

You know if your kid is sick or a big fat faker within one second of looking at them.

You get excited to see Elmo. (or Miley Cyrus, or whatever little sluts your kids are into these days)

You wipe down every square inch of the potentially life threatening surface before allowing your precious child's hands to touch it.

You punch the air and hiss "yessss" when you finally track down that hard-to-find Christmas toy. And if you kicked an old lady in the shin while doing so, then so be it.

You find yourself literally crawling on your hands and knees at 2 AM, searching for a binky, passy, blankie, woobie, knuffle bunny or lovey.

Your once beloved dog takes a backseat. (well, not in OUR house, per se...but I'm told that the family pet often gets pushed aside after the arrival of kids).

You are forced to hold a funeral for a fish.

You can smell a lie a mile away. I've gotten realllllly good at this one.

If you've ever stood in line for 3 hours in the scorching sun just so your kid can participate in a "Jedi Master Training Academy".

You can convince someone that cleaning up dog poop can be a fun game.

You find it entertaining to watch your kids fight. Sometimes I'll pop popcorn, sit on the couch and watch them go at it. Sometimes I'll even offer suggestions. "Ben, he's wide open. Grab his leg".

You force the kids to compete against each other, just so you can get shit done. "Alright, who can clean up the basement the fastest?" I call this, 'chores disguised as fun'.   Cut to me sitting on the couch eating more popcorn, flipping through an US Weekly while the kids furiously clean for me.

You don't take it personally when your kids tell your butt is big. Their point of reference is roughly 6-9 year old boys, so yes, I'm sure my butt does look big to them. I like to correct them, "Not big. Juicy".

You find yourself doing things that your pre-motherhood self would NEVER have imagined doing. Never, in my wildest nightmare did I ever foresee me working Halloween parties at school, or involving myself in conversations about committee meetings and other mind numbing topics. But, somehow, this is my life.

You finally realize that you used to be a completely selfish and self absorbed person until you had kids.

Things I hate.

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:32:25 GMT

People who try to make themselves seem more important than they are.

When I run out of a prescription on a Friday night, knowing full well that no one will return my phone call until roughly Tuesday late afternoon.

When my kids don't talk for 2 hours, but suddenly feel the need to tell me everything about their lives the second I get on the phone.

When my kids ask question after question after question after question without stopping to let me answer the first question.

Commercials.

When I have a coupon for something and the cashier is all, "oh. this expired an hour ago".

The sound of the Kardashians' voices.

When an SNL skit flops. They could use more good writers. A-hem.

When I find the most perfect shirt/skirt/jeans/jacket and it only comes in XXS or XXL. Grrr.

Losing an earring. And it's never a boring, cheap earring. It's ALWAYS a favorite one.

Paper cuts.

Dry hands.

Dry lips.

When products lie. Seriously---is there a stain booster ANYWHERE in the history of the world that will take a stain out of kids' clothes? The f***ing tire swings at school have ruined my kids clothes!

When it goes down to one lane and the person next to you won't let you in, despite your turn signal and your polite waving.

When the President makes a speech...or whatever. It's always during Primetime. Why can't he talk during the day when I don't watch tv?

When I see people sleeping at the gym. What's up with that? Couldn't you just take a nap at home for free?   I'm dead serious. On many occasions, I've seen people either reading magazines on a stationery bike (not even pedaling) and/or sitting on a bench sleeping. WTF?

When I'm told what to do. I'll immediately not do it.

When I'm told how to do something. I'll just lay down and say, "fuck it" at that point.

When people make a bigger deal out of something than it really is. "OK, settle down, you're engaged. You didn't win a Pulitzer prize".

When people like me more than I like them. It makes me uncomfortable.

When I like someone more than they like me. Why don't they like me more? Maybe because I'm blogging about them.

All of the chaos that surrounds the holidays. I hate the "have to's" ugh. Have to buy a present for Aunt Barb even though she hates us. Have to buy 29 trinkets for the classroom gift exchange, just for the sake of it. Have to make sure the kids have an equal number of gifts. Have to play guessing games because your in laws won't tell you what they want. Have to make sure Suzy's new boyfriend is added to the gift exchange because otherwise she'll get mad. Have to find some bullshit random white elephant gift so you don't get in trouble with Grandma. Grrr... Can't we just celebrate Baby Jesus' birthday without all the hassel?

I hate touching money. Not to say I hate money. I just hate touching it. Why can't we do away with the U.S. dollar and put everything onto a universal credit card.

I hate when kids have boogery noses. Can't their parents afford Kleenex?

I hate when people have dirt under their nails. Heard of a nail brush?

I hate when people block the entire aisle with their grocery cart.

I hate when people talk during movies.

Getting gas (as in gasoline). It's so tedious. And germy. But I do love the smell of gas....

I hate so very, very many other things.  But I can't compartmentalize everything into one blog or I'll be left with nothing left to blog about!

Things that make me happy

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 17:33:22 GMT

Having no single socks after folding a basket of laundry. I actually think to myself, "sweet!" when I realize every sock has a partner. (it's the little things...)

Having all the necessary ingredients when you're about to make a meal that you've been craving all day.

When I see a total douche bag out in public and the opportunity presents itself to photograph him/her and then later post them on Facebook. Most recently, I was sent a text of the most amazing mullet I'd ever seen. It was mullet-tastic. Thank you Melissa.

When I think of a funny, come-back right away and not the next day, like I usually do. It's not really as funny when you call the person the next day and say, "Oh yeah, well so does your mama". When you're funny like me, timing is everything.

Drinks + itunes = happy. I once woke up after an epic party and had a $45 itunes bill. I won't get into it, but I'll tell you that DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince were involved.

Swinging. Not in the biblical sense, but as in swings. Like a swing set. Or a hammock. Or a rocking chair. I like to swing back and forth. It's very soothing to me. I could swing for hours. Again, not in the dirty way.

A manly massage. I have spent the better half of 37 years getting massages from only women. I will always request a woman just so that I'm more comfortable. But, something came over me on a recent vacation and I asked for a man. A big, stocky dude came into my room and I laid there for 45 minutes getting the best massage I've ever gotten in my life. Nothing worse than being all geared up for a massage and then have some weasly woman delicately rubbing your skin.

Starbucks. Nothing more, nothing less.

Finally getting up on a wakeboard after 3 years of epic fail!!!!

The smell of sparklers. Or a bon fire. Seriously--is there anything better?

Watching a road rager get pulled over.

When pomegranates finally come into season.

Sleeping boys.....

Finding the exact item that you've been looking for--on sale.

Thunderstorms.

Dark, disturbing documentaries.

Bloody Mary. Ketel One. Tomato juice. Tobasco. Worcester. Pepper. Celery salt. Stuffed green olives. Pickle. Word.

Modern Family.

Movie night with Jason.

When all my friends are gathered and we're laughing to the point of tears.

When the only two people who get the joke are my sister and me.

Clean little boys who smell like Bath and Body Works: Woods.

A good book that I never want to end.

Hearing from others that my boys are kind and well behaved.

Spotless house and windows open on a crisp, cool day.

The smell of chlorine (or bleach).

Finally reaching the end of a blog.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

needy people.

Leslie Dishes - Mom Humor — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 00:59:21 GMT

Ugh. Insecure, needy people.   Who needs 'em? When you find yourself wondering how so & so is going to react everytime you do something without him or her, ya gotta cut 'em loose. High maintenance people take up too much energy and frankly, I don't like to waste energy.

Trust me, it's not just the ladies either. I know this guy who continues to request "guy time" with my friend's husband. And not like, beer and hot wings, guy-time. I'm talking about golf and wine packages. Lame. Seriously, he was like, "you've got to make our friendship a priority, dude". Ok, here's the thing, if a guy says to another guy, "we need to spend more time together". Run for your life because he's probably going to skin you alive, then tuck his penis between his legs and dance for you.  (5 pts. for catching the Silence of the Lambs reference)

                              You know you have a needy person in your life when:

You have to secretly hang out with other people so that he/she doesn't get their feeling hurt
You find yourself never answering her calls
He/She wants you to define your friendship over and over and over (we're such good friends, aren't we? Aren't we? I SAID, "AREN'T WE????")
Hanging out with that person becomes a chore. Like visiting old people at a nursing home.
You have to re-think everything you said and did because you're worried they'll take it wrong. (ok, I may have had a brief history with this one myself. I used to do this thing where I always thought people were mad at me because I'd get nervous and blurt out inappropriate things. But now, instead of worrying about who I offended, I just surround myself with more inappropriate people).
Drama seems to follow that particular person everywhere and the common denominator among all the drama seems to be, you guessed it---him/her.

I'd just like to say, it's taken a long time for me to have become as secure in my own skin as I am today. It takes work, just like anything else. That is the ONE good thing that comes with age. I'm forever grateful for my sister and friends, both near and far, who provide me with love, friendship, constant laughs and absolutely unequivocally NO DRAMA, like seriously--NONE, it's so refreshing. Thank you for that.

My dear friend, Tammy provided me with this lovable quote just when I needed it most: Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss.

I think it's perfect.