Funny girl!
I'm rahhther proud of me-self. Never in a million years did I foresee myself headed into this direction, but I'll go wherever the universe takes me. In order to succeed, I will A. never give up (despite claiming, "I FUCKING QUIT" every 6 weeks). B. Knock on every single door C. pray for opportunity.
And opportunity arrived in the shape of a comedy troupe! I'll take it! I've written (and am performing in) my first ever LaughFest show. If any of you live in the area and would like to check it out, tickets are now on sale (and according to the talent agency, they're selling fast). Delicious 4 course meal at San Chez and a HILARIOUS show. I rarely think anything is funny because I'm a comedy snob and I'm telling you, this is funny shit. To date, Sarah Cavanaugh has cried (laughing) at every rehearsal and I've wet my pants at least twice.
http://laughfestgr.org/show/nobody-gets-us/
You won't be disappointed.
Another FB infraction
What about the person who consistently posts articles about poor nutrition and processed foods? This is typically the same person who thinks they're superior because they only eat organic and make it widely known that they do so. They're very sanctimonious about it. And yet....they're fat. Ha ha.
The Wild & Wonderful Whites
It's a documentary about the entire White clan who reside in the mountains of WV. Oh, so many things all rolled into one movie. It's pure, white trash at the utmost level of white trashiness. It features some of my favorite things, swearing, guns and pills. Which everyone knows is the ultimate trifecta of goodness. Some other key points of the movie involve a 7 year old boy flipping off the camera, drinking 6 pepsi's in a row, then doing back flips on his twin bed. There is even a warning for fetal alcohol syndrome posted in the ladies room at their local watering hold. Oh wait...I forgot about the tap dancing. Oooohh...the tap dancing.
Hands down, my favorite scene is when they roll up to Taco Bell (after just finding out that CPS took baby Monica, but seriously, first things first, let's get a chalupa and then we'll deal with CPS). Then, they order "mozzeralla cheese sticks".....at Taco Bell. Waving to their friends in the Taco Bell window. Heyyyy.
While I'm on the subject, does anyone know what 'swaller' means? I'll use it in a sentence. Mamie cain't swaller no God damned pee-ols. (pills).
Run---don't walk....RUN to the nearest movie store to locate this movie. FYI--it's on FX and Showtime, somewhat regularly. In the mean time, google it's main character, Jesco White. You will find pages upon pages of pure internet gold on one, Jesco White. He's a real dandy and I'm now officially stalking him. I've never wanted to meet a celebrity so much in my entire life. I'm not gonna lie----there may or may not be photoshopped pictures of Jesco White and myself sitting on his bed inside his cozy, li'l trailer.
Lastly, I'd just like to say that I reference this film at least every day---it's that profound. Just this morning I said to Jason, "I feel old". And he said, "At least you don't look like Sue Bob White". To which I replied, "...I said I feel old. I didn't say I felt like an Appalacian Yetti". For the record, after you watch [said] film, you'll know that Sue Bob is the self-proclaimed, "sexiest one in the family". You'll appreciate that much more when you see her up close.
Enjoy and you're welcome.
I attract crazy.
I don't know why I attract 'crazy' into my life, but I do. I've come across some real nuts in my life. I absolutely swear that I avoid conflict, I'm non-combative (unless you f--- with my kid) and I do my best to steer clear of drama. How 'crazy' gets dragged into my life on such a regular basis, I have no idea.
You know how stray animals seem to find their way to animal lovers' homes? I think it's like that. I have a knack for listening and for giving really good advice. I have a very compassionate and empathic way about me and I think that's what attracts the crazies.
I used to keep the crazies in my life out of guilt and obligation. Then, I realized I was keeping some of the crazies around for pure entertainment. Now, it's gotten to where I don't want to keep them around at all because I'm too busy for the drama. Having crazies in your life is exhausting, I tell you. When you don't want to answer the phone because you know there's going to be drama on the other line, you might be a crazy magnet as well.
I had a crazy for a while who was so unstable, I later found out she was stealing from me and other people who are close to me. Yeah, I said stealing. She stole a pair of shoes right out of my house. I fantasize about the day when I see her out on the town wearing my shoes. The weird thing is, I am pretty sure we didn't wear the same size. What a train wreck she turned out to be. I was about 3 emails from getting a restraining order put upon her.
I had another crazy who was (I think) stalking me. She seemed to know waaaaayyy too much about my whereabouts as well as my family's. It was creepy and I had to shut that shit down immediately. She was always keeping tabs on me, pushing herself onto my friends in a very uncomfortable way and other awkward exchanges. Like I always do whenever I feel like someone is trying too hard with me, I ran for the hills and kept my distance!
And yet another crazy... . (big sigh) All I can say, is this particular crazy was the kind of crazy that text books are written about. We are talking Real Housewives, Danielle Staub-crazy. As in, shit-you-can't-even-make-up-crazy. Let's just say when I give examples of this crazy to my friends, they all respond with the ubiquitous, "nuh-uhhhh". Yep.
And of course, I've got my handful of "run-of- the-mill, average, narcissistic, the world revolves around me, I'm not happy unless I'm miserable kind of crazies" that I keep around just because sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. I can tolerate these kind of crazies.
When it starts to infiltrate my life and it begins to consume me on a regular basis, that's when I have to cut 'em loose. Certainly every single person in my life, definitely me included, have had their fair share of drama over the course of our relationships. Not to say that I'll drop someone like a hot potato at the first sign of trouble. Quite the contrary. I'm actually a really good friend and especially good when there's a crisis. But when I become exhausted at the mere sound of your voice because I know you're gonna bombard me with something.... I have to remove myself. Before I had a life, husband, kids... I probably would have listened to this drama for hours on end. Jason used to say to me, "My God, you have the most fucked up people in your life". I'm so protective of my time now that I can't get all that invested anymore. I have my own shit to deal with and I typically don't have hours a day to invest in your problems.
Getting back to the lecture at hand. I have no idea why I attract crazy. Crazy is as crazy does, I suppose.
The Dentist
Jason's response to this: That's it. I hate that fucking dentist.
*through a straw. (but I didn't tell Jason this)
Larry, Moe & Curly...up in herrrr
I guess I don't have to wonder how Ben got the black eye anymore.
Why?
Why does Gabe leave his man cave in the basement (which has a bathroom) to come upstairs to pee in the kitchen bathroom? Why?
Why does Luna only cry to come inside after I go upstairs?
Why does someone tall always sit in front of me?
Why does the person behind me always kick my seat?
Why do I always get behind the slowest person?
Why do I physically feel sick whenever I am in the presence of someone coughing?
Why do I insist I can feel germs crawling on my hands after being in public?
Why do I always tell people how inexpensive something was when they compliment me on it? Why can't I just say 'thank you' and let them think it was an expensive splurge?
Why do I always lose expensive lipsticks, yet have 32 different drug store ones in every purse?
Why does Jason always come home hungry after texting me that he's not going to eat?
Why won't kids just go pee? Why do they insist on holding it? What are they going to miss?
And furthermore, why won't they just go to sleep?
Why do they call them "Real Housewives" when half of them aren't married?
Why won't people learn that you're = "you are" and your is the possessive "you"?
Why can we say douche bag on tv now, but we can't say, "God" in school?
Why does it take so long to write a Modern Family episode, when I can whip up something funny every day?
Why does everyone in my house whine when they know it'll never get them anywhere?
Why does Gabe ask for ice cream each and every morning when NEVER in the history of ever-dom have I ever given him ice cream for breakfast?
Why do I hate showering so much? What's the problem?
Why don't I ever changing my work out playlist? I mean how many times can I listen to "Imma Be" before I just lose motivation?
Why did I volunteer to be the Kindergarten room mom?
Why do I read People and US Weekly every weekend when they're clearly the exact same magazine?
Why do my kids start making their birthday lists before I've even thrown away the Christmas wrapping paper?
Why do I continue to try out my "well-you-could-change-her-name-to-Eileen"* joke when it clearly never gets the reaction that I'm hoping for?
Good God, this can go on for hours.
*The "well, you could change her name to Eileen" joke works whenever someone has a limp. Or not. Truth be told, I try my hand at that joke at least every week and it never works. I had a massage two weeks ago and the therapist told me that my hips are uneven and that he would try to even them out. I said, "wouldn't it be easier to change my name to Eileen?" and he said this: Wow. (then it was crickets). You'd think I'd learn....
Random Thoughts by Leslie Bosscher
The following are a few examples of little snip its (if you will) of random thoughts that may travel through my mind from time to time. Not enough detail to produce an entire blog, so I combined them to make them seem like one big, happy blog. See?
The pill bottles in my medicine cabinet is starting to resemble a spice carousel.
I live in the reality version of the show suburgatory.
I just discovered that disappearing at a party is called a "Irish Exit". And disappearing at an event without paying your portion of the bill is called a "French Exit". This is fascinating to me because I've always called my infamous disappearing act, "The Houdini". I am so anti-social when I'm out of my element, that I tend to disappear. If we're having a crowd gathered at my home, I'll say that I'm going to put my 'comfies' on and Jason knows that's 'code-ski' for "I'm out". If I'm at a dinner or a bar or a party...or what have you, I'll just leave. It's not because I'm rude. It's because I don't want to involve you in any long, drawn out process of having to say good bye. Plus, it's uncomfortable when people beg me to stay.
I am a Facebook bully. I so enjoy picking on someone via FB. Usually it's for spelling or grammatical errors, other times it's for being such an overt douche bag. I'm like the FB police. A FB friend was recently bragging what a 'genious' her prodigy child is. So my response was naturally, "...and yet her own mother can't spell GENIUS---oh, the irony". And another time a friend of a friend said on my page, "Lesie, when can we all go out?" I said, "When you stop calling me Lesie".
Mean girls grow up to be bitches and I'd love to report it gets better with age, but it doesn't. Here's my take on bitches. They're insecure, jealous and miserable---that's why they're bitches. There. Don't you feel better about that bitch you work with?
Jason opened the pantry last week and this is what I heard him say, "DORITOS??? SWEET !" As if he's not a 38 year old man who can go purchase doritos anytime he wants to.
Jason and I had an entire conversation recently about whether or not spouses could share a jail cell. We decided that if he and I were to ever be imprisoned together, our cell would be the homey, cozy one that people would want to hang out in. The prisoners on our block would be all, "We're playing hearts in B-343 tonight. They make the BEST toilet bowl fermented wine".
I H.A.T.E Christmas break. I've been claustrophobic in my own home for approximately 10 days and I'm beginning to twitch. My hands are raw from cleaning. I haven't left the kitchen in days. I am wandering from room to room to room just putting together whatever the children have destroyed. I'm white knuckling it until January 3. I'm sure I'll miss them when they're back in school. And by 'miss' I mean I'll be casually browsing magazines, waiting for my nails to dry.
Getting current
Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading, commenting, suggesting and 'liking' www.lesliedishes.com
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Nothing makes me happier than reading comments from my LeslieDishes readers near and far. I don't know how or why, but I got an email from a reader in Sydney, Australia!
Happy Holidays to you all. May 2012 be filled with love, health, happiness and success--wherever you may find it.
xoxo
LB
10 reasons why I'll unfriend you on Facebook.
#10 If you spend wayyyyy to much time on my FB page. If I find you commenting on my every post and/or referencing my pictures, it creeps me out. Buh Bye now.
#9 If you post every day. Well--I should say, if you post STUPID stuff every day. I don't mind the witty or whimsical anecdotes. I don't even mind the occasion snarky post. It's the hourly, "just folding laundry!" or "We all have the flu!!!" kind of posts. Annoying!!! Your kid is puking and yet you found the time to stop and post it? Buh bye now.
#8 If you use FB as a platform to vent your displaced anger. It's so obnoxious. I have this chick that I keep around just because I have to see who she's mad at every week. "Why can't people just be honest??" or the angry man "Repost if you're a REAL friend. If you don't repost, I'll KNOW you're not a REAL friend". Here's a thought. Get a psychiatrist and get off Facebook. (This is where I should say buh bye now, but truth be told, I keep this person around just so I can watch her spiral downward into a schizophrenic tizzy)
#7 If you use FB as a platform to brag about yourself. It's not the actual bragging that bugs me, it's that you insult my intelligence by thinking that I don't know exactly what you're doing. "I have the day off and I'm at the gym...aren't I crazy??" It seems harmless enough, but it was her passive aggressive way of saying, "I work out". Yeah? Great. So does everyone. We just don't feel the need to brag about it, because it's actually part of our daily repertoire. Like sleep. (unless you used to be a fat slob and now you're making an effort to get healthy. Then, I support you whole heartedly)
#6 Constantly posting photographs of what you deem "beautiful" or "breathtaking". Really, all you're doing is trying to take credit for someone else's work. You post a picture of a sunset or a mountain top and everyone is like, "Thanks for sharing. This is truly amazing". Well, shit---he didn't invent mountain tops! He simply re-posted it! Buh bye now.
#5 Constantly posting inspirational quotes. I don't mind these once in a while. Hell, I need an inspirational quote every now and again. But every day? And then to take credit for it? Buh bye now.
#4 When people feel the need to post every thought that comes into their head. Buh bye now.
#3 When people use Facebook to bitch about facebook. They talk in circles about how busy they are and how they find facebook to be a waste of time...yet, they're on .....Facebook. Buh bye now.
#2 When people bully people into buying/selling/doing shit on Facebook. Farmville, games, surveys, repost this if you really love me, etc. Buh bye now.
#1 The over usage....or should I say, any usage whatsoever of the acronym LOL. I will cut someone over the migraine inducing LOL or worse, the lololololol......Nothing bothers me more. BUH. BYE. NOW.
