Welcome to Leslie Dishes!!!!! Read my weekly rants regarding my dysfunctional upbringing, struggles with motherhood, intolerance for stupidity and life's general observations. You'll find that I tend to get myself into trouble....often. Read how I successfully manuever my way out of these debacles. Sometimes I'm just an idiot. Enjoy. ~Leslie Bosscher
I kept a mental tally of actual conversations that occurred between my family and I over the holidays.
We took our kids to Kalahari again. Hilarity and people watching ensued, as usual. The boys and I got split up from my husband, Jason and we were in the lobby of the hotel looking down into the water park trying to spot him.
Me: What if we saw dad sitting with another family and he pretended he didn't know us?
Gabe: Would you be sad if that happened?
Me: For a minute. Then I'd go find us another daddy. One who was really old and filthy rich.
Ben: Mom, you're lucky you even got one man to marry you. I doubt you'd get that lucky twice.
In the car on the way to Kalahari, there's a commercial on the radio for a new "vitamin" called Lumiday or whatever. The voice-over person says, "Are you irritable? Do you get easily frustrated? Do you find it hard to get out of bed? Are you always in a bad mood?" .....and so on.
Ben: Sounds like mom, right dad?
Ben (at Kalahari): Mom, will you come on the lazy river with me?
Me: Because you just lie there and do nothing.
Ben: Perfect! You'll love it. Am I right, dad?
While compiling my list of back-handed compliments, insults and general shade thrown at me by my 11 year old, I ask him:
Me: Ben, what other mean things have you said to me during this trip?
Ben: Hard to tell, there were so many.
Me: Did you insult my intelligence or anything like that?
Ben: (cocks his head and gives me a condescending smirk) Mom. (long, pitiful pause) It's very likely. I mean....
Finally, and my most favorite. #5
Although this particular dialogue wasn't with Ben. It was with my 5 year old niece, who just became my most favorite person. I'm sitting on the floor on Christmas. Georgia is sitting between my legs. She turns around to look at me and out of NO where says:
Georgia: Ben is stupid and Gabe is stupid.
Me: Yeah.... sometimes boys are stupid.
Georgia: And that guy over there is stupid too.
Me: You mean Uncle Jason?
Me: So, basically everyone in my immediate family is stupid. Is this what you're telling me?
She turns around to watch tv for a few minutes and then turns around to look at me again.
Georgia: Actually...(long dramatic pause) everyone here is stupid. Idiots. All of them.
Me: Are you for real? Did you really just say that?
Georgia: Yep. (Turns around and goes back to watching tv)
So, this is how I spent my holidays. Being insulted. But, in their defense I have to give them all mad props for the timing and the execution of the insults. And every funny person knows that timing is everything! Ben is really getting the hang of being a sarcastic prick and little Georgia will need NO lessons in hilarity from me. She's gonna be trouble.....and I'll be right there next to her.
Happy New Year!!!!!
Embarking on a new year, there's always new rules to abide by. Times-a-change and sometimes the game changes too, in which case you must adjust. To help you stay abreast of these new games and silly rules, I've compiled a list for you. You know how much I like lists. They help keep my attention deficit brain all organized and compartmentalized. You might drink wine to even out. I make lists. Ok, so game changers and adjustments to them; behold.
#10 Don't be offended when 95% of your friends/family only communicate with you via text msg. Yes, it's much more impersonal than a phone call or a hand written note, but it'll do. This is the world in which we live. It's fast paced and ego centric and not everyone has time to invest in a 15 minute weekly conversation. Maybe just take what you can get and be happy that anyone is reaching out to you.
#9 Just say no. I hate to say this, but, our kids are a generation of dicks. They are. They're total dicks. We give them everything they want the day that they ask for it. Well, we don't. But you probably do. We make our kids sweat a little bit in order for them to know what it means to truly want something. Work for it. Earn it. Be accountable for it. Appreciate it. Stop trying to be friends with your children. Maybe just say 'no' and stand by your answer.
#8 Protect yourself. We live in a world surrounded by tricky tricksters who are such good manipulators that you don't even realize you're being completely manipulated. Hell, the manipulator might not even realize that they're manipulating you. That's how good they are!! My biggest rule of thumb for life is that you TEACH people HOW to treat you. If you let someone walk all over you, take advantage of you or use you, it's very likely that they'll continue to do it. And do you know why they do it? Because they can. So, maybe just toughen up and don't apologize for it.
#7 Keeping with the we're-too-damn-self-centered-and-busy theme, try this one on for size. If you decided that getting a dog is a good idea, do your research. Will this dog get big; too big for our house? Do you have time to dedicate to this dog? Because guess what dogs aren't? Dogs aren't cats and they do need attention/affection/loyalty/dedication. Sorry if that doesn't work out with your schedule. Maybe just think it through before bringing him home and allowing him to bond with your kids.
#6 Everyone is so hyper about everything. Oh no! Did she just describe that black woman as a BLACK WOMAN??? Oh. No. She. Di-int! Racist! Racist! Everybody is damn uptight about every single thing, it's a wonder there's even such thing as freedom of speech. You can't say the C word (learned that the hard way). You can't refer to someone as black, even though that's what they are and quite helpful if you're trying to narrow down who you were talking about. It's a fairly outward characteristic. I don't take offense to being described as white, middle aged or having light brown hair. I don't get it. You can't even say 'midget' anymore. Come ON! Maybe just lighten up and get a sense of humor.
#5 What's up with the high school girls, who--for some reason--simply cannot bring themselves to get dressed or walk completely upright? These girls....the baggy sweats, shuffling around in their filthy Uggs, barely bothering to lift their feet in between steps, hair in some sort of unintentional, messy bun. I don't get it. They do this on purpose. I realize that in my day (early 90's) we got decked out for school; tights, plaid skirts, penny loafers and matching ribbons in our hair. That's equally as absurd and I'm not suggesting these girls ditch their A&F sweats for a pleated skirt. Maybe just walk like a human and not a cave person. Maybe just brush your hair. But, your call.
#4 Here's something. Get comfortable in your skin. Not every minute of every day is a scrapbook-worthy moment. Be ok with doing nothing. Don't apologize for it. Just embrace the fact that we're not leaving the house today. We aren't getting out of our pajamas and we don't care. Maybe just don't worry so much about being seen. No one cares. No one's looking for you.
#3 If you know that you have trouble holding your alcohol, maybe just don't. Try...ya know, not drinking. See if you have better results. Just a thought.
#2 Maybe just be a little more kind than necessary.
By FAR the most important lesson of all....
#1 Say you're on Facebook. Say you see a photo that a bunch of your friends, co-workers, cousins or acquaintances are in. Let's say you make a comment. Let's say the innocuous comment sounds something like this, "Hey Kerri, GREAT picture! You look awesome!" Maybe just acknowledge the other people in the photo. Maybe don't single out Kerri when clearly all of Kerri's friends are hot! Maybe Kerri's friends are sensitive. Maybe just don't be such a rude bitch.
I just realized that Dr. Phil recently published a #1 Best Seller and the content is uncannily similar to my list. But, I'll bet he doesn't call your kids a dick in his. Maybe just forget the part about your kid being a dick and absorb the underlying message. Plus, my list was free, sooooooo......
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! Hey, 2014....bring it, bitch. It's on.
So, I'm a big girl now. I was 39 and then I turned 40. So, I guess I'm 40 now. That's weird because I don't feel 40. I think my true age is 27 because that's the age I want to say when someone asks me how old I am. When I am asked that question my inner dialogue sounds like this, "Hm. That's a good question. How old am I, anyway? I've got to be what.... 25? No, I got married when I was 25 and that man-person has been around for a very long time. Ok, so what? 27?? No, that can't be right. I have to be at least 30. Am I 30? Wow, that's old. Holy shit, I'm not 30 because that doesn't even make sense. I think I had a baby when I was around 30 and I haven't had big, engorged boobs in like....10---fuckin' A. I'm 40. No. Way." Mind officially blown. Kids that I used to babysit are adults. Ew. So, my point is, when I'm kicking it in heaven, I believe my eternal age will be 27. I was awesome when I was 27.
Speaking of heaven and aging and everything like that, It's no secret that my family history isn't great. It's not so much a gene pool, but a cess pool. Pretty much no one lived past 60 in my family. I don't know if that's a curse or a blessing. Like, maybe it's not such a bad thing to leave on a high note. Like Seinfeld. He ended on a high note, before the story line got stale.
So, do I want to live to be 92, shuffling around my nursing home, yelling at randoms, living from one bland meal to the next? Or would I rather still be active, sharp and independent when it's my time? As in, "Who me? Yeah, I'm 64, what's up? Yes, I still wear heels. Yes I still swear like a trucker. Hells yeah I still know how to party and I know all the words to Eminem's greatest hits, beeeyotch! But wait, I feel a cough coming on." BAM! I'm dead.
You weigh the good with the bad. I never want to be so old that people are waiting, literally waiting for me to die. On the other hand, if I die while I'm still relatively young, everyone will be miserable without me in their life. And I mean miserable! Hell, even I'd miss me. Dying when you're barely old versus dying when you're obnoxiously old both have perks, I suppose.
Death and old age seemed like a million years away last week when I was 39. But man, 40. That's when shit starts to go south. You always hear stories like, "Did you hear about Dan? He was just mowing the lawn and dropped dead! He was only 42!" You always hear those stories! Your 40's are when you're old enough to drop dead but you're still young enough for it to be considered a tragedy. If you're 50 and you drop dead, it's like, "Meh." Perhaps I'll think differently when I'm 50. I feel like the decade ahead of mine is always considered old. When I was in my teens, the thought dating a guy in his 20's (albeit creepy and suspect) sounded so old and worldly. Then while I was in my 20's, I thought people in their 30's were so lame. Then, in my 30's I just pictured people in their 40's just being in a sort of limbo. As in, not quite old enough to be considered "old" but too old to change careers, go back to school, have kids, etc. Now I think 40 is where it's at and 50 is practically God's waiting room. And can I just say, God bless the MILFs and the cougars for making 40 trendy and hot!!??!!
My kids had a field day with my birthday this year. They tell me I'm old constantly, but this year I had the wherewithal to take offense to their insults. At first I was all, "ha ha ha, good one!" but then suddenly my eyes got all crazy and I was like, "Ok. Shit. Just. Got. Real." My oldest one couldn't wait to tell everyone that his mom was 40 (like this deserved a visit from Guinness or something). He kept threatening that he was going to loudly announce everywhere we went that I had just turned 40. Luckily I rarely leave my house, so that didn't affect me. Finally, I came up with this brilliant reasoning. Good! Tell them I'm 40. Now I have a reason for looking like this (picture haggard). I have the perfect excuse for being old and ugly. I'm 40! Yay! When I was in my 30's and I looked like this, people were probably like, "Damn. She old." But now that I can say I'm officially in my 40's people might nod in agreement as if to say, "Yeah, seems legit." Then I decided it would be even more brilliant if I told people I was closer to 50. That way they'd all compliment me and say, "Wow! You look amazing!" No one would say that to me right now. I look 40, there's no two ways about it. But 50...damn, I'd be smoking.
What do you want from me? I lived with a smoker for the first 17 years of my life. Then I was a smoker for another decade or so, then I had kids (this aged me more ways than I can count). Not to mention the hundreds of sunburns, bad vision (squinting = crows feet) and hell-lo, I'm hilarious, so I laugh constantly (laugh = laughlines). I don't know what to say, I've aged.
So to everyone still lying about their age, you can still lie if you want to. But don't be stupid. Don't age down. Age UP! Everyone will talk louder, be nicer to you and tell you how pretty you are!
* Above picture taken at my 40th birthday. I wasn't so much upset about turn 40 as I much as I just didn't want to wear a crown. Maybe I'm wrinkled because I make faces.